Premier League On Leicester City Title: ‘Order Will Soon Be Restored’ - The Onion

LONDONーShortly after Leicester City’s improbable title run culminated in the club clinching their first championship, executives from the Premier League issued a statement Sunday vowing that order will soon be restored. “We would like to inform fans of the Barclays Premier League that steps will be taken to ensure the traditional paradigms are reestablished in time for the 2016-2017 season,” read the statement in part, which did not go on to offer any specifics regarding the measures it referenced, but did stress that a reversion to the league’s long-held competitive hierarchy would be “swift and permanent.” “This is an immediate priority that has our full commitment, and as such, we are willing to spend any and all requisite resources to guarantee a return to what is expected and acceptable. Until that is achieved, we will offer no further comment.” Just hours after the statement’s publication, the Premier League released the 2016-2017 season schedule, which reportedly indicated that Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester City will each play 38 home games.

Child’s Description Of Heaven During Near-Death Experience Specifically Mentions Book Deal - The Onion

NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal. “I was walking up in the clouds and met friends, and strangers, and all these famous people who talked with me about all kinds of things and brought up the possibility of selling the rights to my story to a big-name publisher,” said the second-grader, who attested that during the five-minute period in which his heart had stopped on the operating table, he ascended to a shining, golden paradise where he says he met with the archangel Gabriel and a literary agent who has helped a number of authors secure multi-book deals with lucrative worldwide book tours. “Jesus was sitting at the right hand of God and my grandfather was right there, and they looked at me and smiled at each other and said I should ask for an $80,000 advance with 10 percent of back-end profits.” Miller added that he felt a profound sense of peace and well-being when Jesus told him to go forth and seek a blockbuster deal for the movie rights.

College Encourages Lively Exchange Of Idea - The Onion

Classic Onion...and University...

Students, Faculty Invited To Freely Express Single Viewpoint

BOSTON—Saying that such a dialogue was essential to the college’s academic mission, Trescott University president Kevin Abrams confirmed Monday that the school encourages a lively exchange of one idea. “As an institution of higher learning, we recognize that it’s inevitable that certain contentious topics will come up from time to time, and when they do, we want to create an atmosphere where both students and faculty feel comfortable voicing a single homogeneous opinion,” said Abrams, adding that no matter the subject, anyone on campus is always welcome to add their support to the accepted consensus. “Whether it’s a discussion of a national political issue or a concern here on campus, an open forum in which one argument is uniformly reinforced is crucial for maintaining the exceptional learning environment we have cultivated here.” Abrams told reporters that counseling resources were available for any student made uncomfortable by the viewpoint.

New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From - The Onion

"Today's fitness trackers can tell you how far you're running but tomorrow's can tell you why you're running"

Career-Driven Man Beginning To Worry Entire Identity No Longer Tied To Job - The Onion

NEW YORK—In an alarming shift of mindset that is said to have occurred so gradually that he failed to notice it at first, Westport Data Systems senior manager and career-driven man Matthew Bowers expressed concern Friday that his identity was no longer exclusively tied to his job. “I always saw myself as a high-performance individual who was focused solely on working my way up to VP, but lately I’ve been worried that I may be developing aspects of my personality that have nothing to do with climbing the corporate ladder,” said Bowers, 42, noting that he has recently observed in himself an “unhealthy” level of preoccupation with personal interests, activities, and relationships that can in no way give him a leg up professionally. “Just the other day, I was telling my boss about my son’s soccer game—at work, mind you—and he responded by calling me ‘a real family man.’ My boss called me that. It was a huge wake-up call.” At press time, Bowers confirmed his intention to get back to his roots by leaving work no earlier than 9 p.m. tonight and missing his daughter’s piano recital.

Study Finds Blame Now Fastest Human Reflex

WALTHAM, MA—According to a study published Wednesday in the New England Journal of Medicine, blame has now surpassed instinctive responses such as blinking and flinching as the fastest human reflex. “Our research shows that assigning fault to another person for a negative or unintended outcome is now the human body’s quickest involuntary action,” said lead author Dr. John Wittsack, adding that changes to the brain’s neural pathways over time have allowed for a nearly instantaneous transition between perceiving a problem and condemning someone else for causing it. “In the time it takes for a single sneeze or for the pupil to contract once, an average human can blame dozens, if not hundreds of individuals. In fact, the blame reflex may soon be too rapid to be measured even by our most sensitive instruments.” By contrast, Wittsack added that accepting responsibility had degenerated into a purely vestigial reflex and would eventually exit the human race altogether.

From the Onion 

450-Pound Man Didn't Go To Doctor For A Lecture - The Onion

RED OAK, IA—After his doctor ambushed him Tuesday with suggestions that his weight was becoming a serious health problem, 450-pound local man Dale Carver, 43, reportedly told his physician that he hadn’t come to his appointment for a lecture on how to live. “Look, professor, I didn’t come in here today for a lesson plan, so let’s maybe take it down a notch or two, okay?” said Carver, noting that he was a full-grown adult who had not signed up for a 15-minute sermon on the life-threatening risks of high blood sugar. “With all due respect, I’m not paying you for food recommendations, so if you could just prescribe me something for my high cholesterol and diabetes, that’d be great.” Sources confirmed that after receiving his prescriptions, Carver went outside, walked to his car, and then spent several minutes regaining enough breath to be able to drive home.

- The Onion

6-Day Visit To Rural African Village Completely Changes Woman’s Facebook Profile Picture - The Onion

ST. LOUIS—Calling the experience “completely transformative,” local 22-year-old Angela Fisher told reporters Tuesday that her six-day visit to the rural Malawian village of Neno has completely changed her profile picture on Facebook. “As soon as I walked into that dusty, remote town and the smiling children started coming up to me, I just knew my Facebook profile photo would change forever,” said Fisher, noting that she realized early in her nearly weeklong visit just how narrow and unworldly her previous Facebook profile photos had been. “I don’t think my profile photo will ever be the same, not after the experience of taking such incredible pictures with my arms around those small African children’s shoulders. Honestly, I can’t even imagine going back to my old Facebook photo of my roommate and I at an outdoor concert.” Since returning, Fisher said she has been encouraging every one of her friends to visit Africa, promising that it would change their Facebook profile photos as well.
From The Onion

Woman Takes Short Half-Hour Break From Being Feminist To Enjoy TV Show - The Onion

"...“This show’s actually pretty fun and entertaining if you ignore how damaging it could be to our perceptions of gender in society." 

Jenkins also reportedly viewed roughly 10 minutes of advertisements throughout the show, during which time she reminded herself to actively tune out the numerous instances wherein feminine sexuality was used to sell products; the number of times advertisements preyed on female insecurity; and the sheer volume of bare female skin shown on screen. 

“Sure, I just watched several commercials that basically reduced women to explicitly sexualized objects whose sole purpose is to please men, but someone else can worry about that right now because I’m off the clock,” said Jenkins, following a succession of ads for vodka, shampoo, and the Fiat 500. “Honestly, I don’t even care that that yogurt commercial showed thin, beautiful women easily balancing home and work lives while eating 60-calorie packs of yogurt. Tonight, in my mind, they’re just selling Greek yogurt. That’s all...”

The rest at the Onion 

"Man Still Trying To Find Right Work-Anxiety–Life-Anxiety Balance" - The Onion

“It seems like I’m always so busy dwelling on the countless dilemmas that come up in the office that I barely have any time to stress over the problems facing me at home,” said Humphrey, 38, noting that the demands of worrying about work leave him precious little time to worry about his family, health, and finances. “I mean, most weekdays I’ll stay late agonizing over whether I’ll be able to meet my quarterly sales target, so when I get home I barely have enough energy to obsess over whether we’re saving enough to put Ryan and Jessica through college.” 

“I just wish I had the time to freak out about both my job and my personal life without feeling like I’m neglecting the other,” Humphrey added."

- From the Onion

Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4 - The Onion

"...Indeed, the Pew report found that 99 percent of Facebook members could not recall having enjoyed any of the social network’s features at any time since 2009. Of that subset, 74 percent said they had asked themselves “How has my life come to this?” while checking the website multiple times per day, 67 percent said they were “inevitably plunged into an alternating cycle of vanity and self-disgust” when reviewing tagged pictures of themselves, and 52 percent said they had questioned the whole point of life itself after spending half an hour on the site only to realize the most interesting thing they had seen the entire time was a photo of what someone had for dinner..."

the rest at The Onion

Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle

THE SERENGETI—According to a male lion currently dying on the Serengeti Plain, his agonizing demise certainly doesn't seem as though it's part of some transcendent cosmic circle of life, but rather as if he’s slowly and painfully bleeding to death.

The expiring lion, who dragged his weakened body onto an isolated patch of grassland Monday after being mortally wounded by a poacher, confirmed to reporters that he is not experiencing a tranquil, satisfying sense of harmony with the universe, but is instead mainly feeling intense physical torment brought on by a fatal wound to the abdomen.

"I could be wrong, and maybe this is all an enchanting and noble chapter in life's great cosmic narrative, but right now it pretty much just feels like I'm dying alone on the ground in a puddle of my own blood," said the 500-pound big cat, releasing a deep moan as violent spasms seized his body. "Shouldn't I be feeling a stirring sensation of kinship with all living creatures or something? Yeah, I'm not getting any of that."

"Plus, I was illegally shot by a poacher. How does that fit into this ancient, majestic cycle in which all of nature is connected as a unified being?" the lion added.

 

Observing his surroundings, the moribund lion reported that he has seen no brilliant gleaming light shining down from the heavens that makes him realize he's part of a sacred tradition as old as life itself, nor has a hush seemed to fall over the land in a reverent acknowledgment of his passing...

..."I guess I thought there'd be a choir of chanting, melodic voices, and that all the animals of the African valley would gather on a distant ridge to respectfully view my last moments and recognize our essential interconnectedness," said the lion, drawing his last labored breaths. "But there's nobody else around at all, except those vultures."

- From the Onion. The rest at the link

God Admits Humans Not Most Impressive Creation

'It's Mountains,' Says Divine Being

 

THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH—The Lord our God, Divine Creator and Ruler of the Universe, announced Wednesday that He considered mountains, not mankind, to be far and away the most impressive thing He had ever brought into being.

Calling the selection "not at all challenging" to make and "kind of a no-brainer," the deity explained that while He felt the human species was a good creation and worthy of praise, a human being simply paled in comparison to the sheer awesomeness of a snowcapped 20,000-foot mountain.

"Mountains, above all else, are undoubtedly my most splendid creation," God proclaimed. "Mountains are incredibly tall. They are also miles wide and are filled with millions upon millions of tons of earth. These facts alone make them objectively more impressive than human beings."

- The rest at The Onion

Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man - The Onion

Sources close to local resident Justin Krypel admitted to reporters this week that while the 34-year-old account executive was "basically a good guy at heart," human civilization has a tendency to bring out the worst in him.

"I've known Justin for years, and whenever he's not engaged with modern society in any way, he's actually pretty nice and laid-back," said former roommate Michael Mariani, 32, who noted Krypel was typically agreeable when sitting by himself in a room doing nothing. "However, as soon as he's exposed to some aspect of the culture in which he lives, he can get pretty irritable and difficult to be around."

"Some things just really seem to push his buttons, like work, having to deal with other people, or any inescapable feature of human existence along those lines, really," Mariani continued. "It's best to try to avoid that stuff when you're around him...."

- The Onion, "News Human Civilization Brings Out Worst In Area Man"

Nation Somehow Shocked By Human Nature Again

Nation Somehow Shocked By Human Nature Again

'How Could Someone Do Such A Thing?' Populace Wonders Of Event That Has Transpired Literally Millions Of Times

...As the initial wave of grief began to subside Sunday, many throughout the country started openly questioning why this incident happened, putting forth a host of explanations that ranged from lack of government regulation to negligent parenting to declining church attendance, but never once mentioning that it likely would have occurred anyway.

"If it's possible for something positive to come out of this terrible turn of events, perhaps it will make people stop for a moment and realize how short and precious life is," said Daniel Romero, 45, of El Paso, TX, who, until this event, seemed to have somehow ignored the most omnipresent characteristic of his species: its mortality. "You have to recognize that each day you have is a gift and always remember to cherish your loved ones."

At press time, Romero remained unaware that he, like everyone else in America, will completely forget the incident within a week and then abandon his own sensible advice.

The whole Onion article here